Uptight & Personal Diary Entry January 12th – Blue Flashing Light Edition

14 02 2010

Tuesday 12th

Disappointment at non-appearance of Playstation last night has resulted in my being up all night vomiting plus I have the beginning of Matt’s man-cold and styes in my eyes. Styes. I ask you. Did Kern and Harbach write about styes getting in your eyes? No. Smoke was bad enough. I’m supposed to have stars in my eyes. Stars. Not styes.

It’s all too much. Text Jill and tell her I’m sick which I am as I still feel nauseous. Jesse however suspects me of pulling a sickie in order to Playstation and he texts me to that effect, which I’m not as there’s still no sign of it. Spend most of afternoon asleep on the couch.

Wednesday 13th

Feel fine and get ready to go to work as usual. At 7.10 I’m performing my usual pre-departure bag check when disaster strikes and I am felled by agonising abdominal pains identical to the ones that landed me in hospital last time. For a few seconds I literally can’t move and doubt my ability to get to the house phone and call for help the pain is so bad. Fortunately, BlackBerry is within reach and I manage to dial 999.

Extremely kind and soothing emergency operator manages to talk me through my stagger to the front door to unlock it for the paramedics (all accomplished doubled-up and holding onto pieces of furniture), and then by some miracle I manage to grab the cat and shut her in the kitchen. By the time I have collapsed onto a chair, Darren the paramedic is on the doorstep.

Darren begins by hooking my finger up to a pulse monitor. It immediately begins emitting a claxon-sounding alarm and shrieking ‘No pulse! No pulse! Resuscitate. Administer CPR!’

OMFG – I’m DEAD! I’m going up to the Spirit in the Stye.

Darren assures me not dead – yet. I’m not convinced. Darren says he has drugs. Nice gas. He will give me nice gas and this will get rid of the pain and get rid of the nausea. Suck on gas like life depends on it while Darren takes my blood pressure. Darren says BP is 94 over 70 and I’m in the middle of a crisis. Is it normally this low? In between breaths of gas I tell Darren no, not normally this low. This is my blood pressure when I’m in a crisis. Normally it’s around 80 over 60 – barely enough to keep me conscious really.

By this time the ambulance has arrived. Tell story of how this has happened before (except did not get nice gas last time). Ambos say they will take me back to Bury hospital. Have gas all the way to hospital and they allow me to keep gas when I get there. However, despite gas still in bad way as if I stop gas pain comes rolling back and once again am too doubled up to let them do an ECG and they have to cut off items of clothing as a result. Not good.

Bonus. Doctor decides I need bigger drugs. I get intravenous drip and get to keep gas. I also get a hospital gown. Booby prize.

Get taken for X-Ray. Get taken back to Emergency Unit. Now only have gas as drip empty but pain seems to be receding.

Doctor returns. Asks me about my book. Prods stomach. Says I have ulcer or whole stomach and duodenum inflamed. Have I been under any stress? Where to begin . . .

Doctor says I can go but have to arrange endoscopy. However, if pain happens before then will need surgery, but before I go I have to make them some wees as they need to rule out a UTI.

Am still attached to drip plus am wearing hospital gown. Have to hold drip in one hand, wee container and gown closed with the other and somehow navigate into loo and provide wees while still holding the drip. Very awkward. Nurse lurks outside door and says she will take wees. Am half way back to Emergency Unit when I realise my blood is now flowing out of me and up the tube to the drip. This not right!!! Stop nursing assistant and show them tube filled with blood. ‘That’s not right!’ they exclaim and tie it into a loop sealed with tape and tell me to go back to bed and someone will be along to take it out. One wonders why they couldn’t have done that before I went to make my wees?

Doctor returns. He’s very cute. Why do I always have to meet cute guys when make-up smeared and I’m wearing a hospital gown and having to talk about wees? Wees okay. No UTI. Get prescription for medicine to stop stomach making too much gastric fluid. Doctor says I have to take medicine for six months in addition to whatever else they decide to do. Am also told to take rest of week off work.

Cannot take gas with me only stomach pills. Now need lift home so have to call Cassandra who thankfully comes to get me even though she complains she did not have time to put on make up and proper frock in case of encounter with cute doctor. She thinks she’s got problems. I had hospital gown on and had to talk wees! Promise to give her at least two hours notice before next medical emergency so she can properly frock up.

Go home. Sleep like the dead.

Thursday 14th

Feel like I’ve been hit with a Mac truck. Crawl out of bed around 11am. No appetite.

Phone company rings wanting to know if anyone contacted me about the engineer I requested on the 7th December to fix my phone and broadband. Grumpily inform caller nobody has called much less materialized. Mention in passing I have been in hospital.

Exhausted. Crawl under blankets on couch and fall asleep again. Woken two hours later by knocking on door. Total shocker. Engineer. Sent to fix my phone and broadband. Turns out line between house and pole faulty and they have to replace entire line. In the middle of all this there’s another knock on the door. The long awaited Playstation has finally arrived! I was apparently a victim of the nationwide post-Christmas Playstation shortage. Santa needs to employ more Japanese elves

Linda comes around later and brings cat food, soft drinks (I may not be eating but I can’t stop drinking) and cookies with which to tempt my appetite. It’s now 9pm and I’m exhausted once again and have to go to bed without even unpacking the Playstation.

Friday 15th

Sleep until 10am.

Decide to have adventure and walk to village shop. Road undulates in interesting way and I feel I have altitude sickness – strange when I live in East Anglia and roughly 50 feet below sea level. Buy wine and crumpets. Visit Blue on way home. He’s obviously picked up on my fragile vibe as he does not make one attempt to bite let alone nibble.

Eat two crumpets. Victory! Thus sustained I manage to set up Playstation but this exhausts me and all I can do after that is try to make sense of the instruction manual for Fallout 3.

Aurore arrives and with Cassandra and the wine we head over to Dawn and Bob’s for supper. This odyssey in itself as Google maps directions are vague and we miss crucial turn-off and Cassandra’s Satnav keeps trying to send us back to Ely. Maybe it knows something we don’t as we find ourselves in the Bermuda triangle of Suffolk and end up having to call Dawn for directions in between her calling us every five minutes wanting to know where we are. It’s all very confusing. The blonde leading the blonde.

Appetite returns when confronted with Bob’s delicious spicy sausage soup, Dawn’s curry and then Bob’s truly awesome brownies. However, by the end of the evening I am once again washed out and Aurore is virtually falling asleep at the table. Long suffering Cassandra has to ferry two corpses home but at least this time we don’t get lost.

Saturday 16th

Poor Aurore has to depart early for enslavement at Primark. I return to bed. Get up for two hours. Sleep on couch for three. Wake up for another four. Go to bed. Manage to eat a packet of Marmite cashew nuts. I’m getting there.

Realise my life can now be classified into two distinct periods. BD – Before Dawn and PD – Post Dawn. Before Dawn – the Dark Years. Post Dawn – the Era of Dull Roommates. It stretches in front of me – barren of incidents and anecdotes and someone who is louder than I am.

Aside from having completely whacked-out dreams, all this lying around gets one thinking. I like horses with quirks and I like humans with quirks as well.

Realise the people who love us the most are the ones who won’t put up with our shit. Wish I’d known that sooner.

Trouble is, you just don’t see it like that at the time.

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