Uptight & Personal Diary Entry Week Feb 1st – Recovery Edition

14 02 2010

Uptight and Personal Diary Entry Week 1st February

Monday 1st

When I first took the job at Melrose Books I used to gauge how fit I was becoming by the number of songs it took me to walk from my house to the bus stop and back. At first it was six and a half songs and slowly but surely as the months’ went by and my weight dropped I got it down to four and a half (of course, this is a variable depending on the track – a long track such as Primal Scream can mean I do the walk in just three). Today, thanks to the events of the past week the walk once again cannot be accomplished in under six songs.

Arrive at bus stop pooped. Receive phone call from Dawn upset about Bob and the pre-nup but assuring me she has no intentions of signing it as it stands. Says she will talk to me later.

No nasty surprises waiting for me at work. Then mid-morning Dawn texts me asking me about booking our Paris trip. I text back saying the booking will have to wait until I have been paid for my freelance gig and also ask if the group still includes Bob; Am therefore puzzled when she texts back that it does and even more mystified later when she calls me again to tell me that Bob will pay for all the bookings on his credit card and the rest of us can just give him the money. But then – five minutes is a long time in Dawn’s love life so really, I shouldn’t be too surprised by the new turn of events.

Matt likens me to the monkey in Outbreak. Note to self and to readers: If a man likens you to the monkey in Outbreak or a Mike Judge film he thinks you have all the sexual chemistry of foot powder.

My darling friend Karan’s birthday. Text her I wish I could be with her but suspect she has been celebrating in grand style and drinking what would have been my share in my absence. Excellent work.

Tuesday 2nd

Wendy’s birthday but am going to have to wait until the weekend to celebrate as she is having a fancy dress party which gives me the chance to dust off my pirate costume again. However, this time have augmented costume with wig. Very excited about this. Wendy has had to give me a code phrase in case she does not recognise me which is likely in wig.

Thursday 4th

Now fizzog gets in on the act and my acne is very bad. Blame this on the fact I act like a teenager. Getting braces soon and then all I will need is gym slip and to put hair in pig tails. Plan to come to work dressed in slutty St. Trinian’s mode as soon as I get braces to annoy Jill. Wonder if I can find ‘Vice Captain’ school badge on eBay. Always wanted to be Vice Captain.

Friday 5th

Due to illness pants have gone mega-Hammer and I demonstrate this to Matt in the kitchen by pulling them down without unzipping and he then suggests I do a Hammer dance. I oblige not knowing that entire episode has been witnessed by man standing outside the door and who Matt was aware of.

This cruel and unusual and clearly another attempt by Matt to make me look like some kind of idiot.

Supposed to see doctor but cannot get to surgery in time owing to getting stuck on bus at Ely railway crossing for half an hour of trains passing back and forth. Now have to wait until Feb 25th before I can see doc and book endoscopy.

Worried about Dawn. Text her asking if Bob has finished sewing the marriage sack and telling her not to sign pre-nup unless she gets her own plough. No response. Very, very concerned.

Saturday 6th

Have to go to Kal’s house for meeting. However, get on wrong bus owing to a fat woman shouting at me at the bus stop that I was pushing ahead of her in the queue. I would point out that a) I wasn’t and b) she was the queue but clearly accounted for at least four normal people. I am so scared that she might sit on me or eat me that I go stand at the other end of the stop and jump on the first bus that arrives just to get away from her. This turns out to be the wrong bus and I end up having to walk 15 mins to Kal’s house instead of being able to get off at the corner of his street.

Kal has just got back from Dubai. He tells me that tours to the top of the Burj Khalifa are booked up two months in advance and they have no web booking facility. You have to turn up and hope for the best. Apparently there was a £80 a head VIP tour he could have taken but he baulked at the cost. However, he says Burj Khalifa is an engineering marvel. Apparently the residential apartments start on level 45. There is no underground parking and your car is taken up to your floor and then transported down when you want to go out. Kal is not sure how this all works but it all sounds pretty amazing.

Dash back from Cambridge to get ready for Wendy’s party. I had a bet with Jesse I would get on the bus in full pirate mode. I have also bought a wig – a Christina Aguilera blonde curly number. When I get to The Rookery Lou’s bus pulls in and I am gratified by her momentary lack of recognition and then double-take. Now seriously considering growing out fringe and having hair like this permanently.

Jesse is Ron Burgundy and Matt is Sgt. Nicholas Anal (deliberate sp) from Hot Fuzz. Wendy goes as a hippy chick. However, Sara dressed as a Little Devil has a disturbing demonic tale to impart at the party saying that Jill has been made a director of the company. Apparently there is a notice on the board in the tea room to this effect. Seeing as nobody reads the notices on the board in the tea room as they are usually comprised of edicts from the slave mongers informing us we are not allowed to add any holiday days onto the Christmas and New Years break or from Jill herself hawking holiday rentals at her second home in France with its hole in the roof at some vastly inflated price, it’s no wonder this one has passed us by. This is however, disturbing news and proof that at Melrose at least, achieving results is not necessary for advancement.

Much fun at party. For those of you not on Facebook here is the link to the photos.


Sunday 7th

Wendy missed the Jill news at the party last night and it falls on me to enlighten her over a sausage sandwich. One needs ballast when faced with such tidings.

After Wendy and Mike have dropped me home I spend the rest of the day updating my folio. However, still have not heard from Dawn and now seriously worried I text her asking if she is okay. This has the desired result as she calls me half and hour later. Bob it appears took her away for the weekend to London but they started arguing about the pre-nup again at which point Dawn whips out her mobile and says she is texting me to see if she can move back in. This shocks Bob who then says he will alter the pre-nup. According to Dawn he says he’s had it redone but has not shown it to her yet so does not know if she gets her own plough or not.

I want to know if she’s asked to see it but she says she’s not going to and is going to wait for him. I’m not sure if it were me I could deal with any more prevarication (legal or otherwise), on his part and would want to know where I stood. Dawn says she will come over for dinner on Wednesday night by which time of course, anything could have happened.

Tuesday 9th

Have girlfriends night with Wendy. We head to Cambridge for 2-4-1 Italian meal (most important on Melrose wages) which is delicious pasta with duck and plum sauce and then to Avatar. On the second viewing I like everything I liked about it the first time (I want a flying lizard basically), and dislike everything I hated about it the first time even more. This does not mean I will not fork out for the Blu-Ray version when it’s released however.

It starts snowing on the way home and is positively surreal as it spirals in front of the car – Pandora weather.

Wednesday 10th

Invite Cassie over to join in the dissection of Dawn’s pre-nup. By now Bob has amended the first pre-nup basically promising her $5,000 (for him one months’ salary) if the marriage breaks down. The document is so insulting one actually wonders if he really does in fact want to get married as nobody in their right mind would sign it. We both give Dawn advice over lasagne and a rather nice Rose wine and I prepare myself for her imminent return. I hope love will triumph but doubt it somehow.

I think love and also it’s close relation passion, have been permanently K.O’d by things such as pre-nups, men who only want to be ‘cuddle buddies’ or liken you to the monkey in Outbreak, and the general confusion about gender roles that affects us all today.

Whatever happened to just liking somebody and taking it from there? I find myself filled with nostalgia for the days when you caught the eye of the new guys in class, exchanged a grin and then couldn’t wait to recess to get to know them better. It all seemed so easy and carefree back then. Now everyone has a check-list and if you don’t tick all their boxes they don’t want to get involved and forget about a partnership – what is theirs is theirs and that includes their time and emotions as well as their material assets. Whatever happened to just being generous with yourself?

Seeing I have nothing but myself, it’s the only asset I have to be generous with.

Decide I am becoming jaded.

Friday 12th

Eleven weeks until Rufus gets here! The countdown begins.




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