Uptight & Personal Diary Week 18th January Plague Edition

14 02 2010

Monday 18th

Return to work. Do not really feel up to it but have little choice in the matter when one works for Satan.

Jill tells me off for quoting Austin: ‘bum fucking lawyers’. Can only assume it is the word ‘lawyers’ she considers profanity.

Still no real appetite. Go through day on autopilot then go home and go to bed early.

Tuesday 19th

Jill gives me fresh bollocking for using the term ‘clusterfuck’ to describe the state of a particularly messy manuscript. It could have been worse. I could have said ‘bum’ like I usually do.

Wednesday 20th

Summoned to Nick’s office for mega-bollocking relating to my relationship with past authors. Jill lurks in a chair in the corner saying nothing. Nick shouts at me. I feel too weak to even try to defend myself or tell him to refrain from shouting. Nick then whips out Exhibit ‘A’ – an email sent by one of our present authors on Sept 3 last year where she quotes at our sale rep some of the things I have bitched about vis a vis the general impossibility of marketing our authors properly.

By this time I am kind of hoping I am going to be canned as this is one way to put an end to the misery that has become my daily grind. Admit to bitching at author about heinousness of marketing role. Am told not to do this anymore as this may open floodgates of litigation by disgruntled authors and also told not to bite the hand that feeds me. Pay so low hand only feeds me pot noodles and beans on toast in any case

Leave meeting upset and still gainfully employed. Bollocks.

Thursday 21st

Spend morning commute bogged in nostalgia and missing my grandfather who if he were alive I know would have advice and support to hand about what to do about torturous employment by demons. Grandfather long dead however.

Lurk in warehouse whingeing down phone to friend in New York about working conditions and general unhappiness of situation hardly aided by constant nausea I have been experiencing since nasty stomach incident.

I’ve had better weeks.

Friday 22nd

Jill not in today as has gone for spa weekend. Can therefore bum and clusterfuck to my heart’s content. Indulge in fantasy that she may be the victim of a tragic facial peel or Brazilian waxing accident that will prevent her from returning to work for weeks. Matt and Jesse do not want to dwell on any scenario that involves Jill with her ankles up around her ears no matter how beneficial this may turn out to be in the longer term.

Have to go to see doctor supposedly to organise my endoscopy but discover doc has received neither the letter nor my test results from the hospital. Therefore we cannot do much. She does however, prescribe me some medication for the nausea. But then things take another turn for the worse. Am not allowed to drink while taking this medicine, operate machinery or drive. Does anyone have any idea what this will do to my career as a space shuttle pilot?

Doctor is running early and when I emerge from the surgery, thankfully Cassandra is waiting for me in the car park opposite. Decamp to her house for delicious comfort food casserole. Am lucky to have lovely friends.

Sat & Sun 23rd & 24th

Spend weekend slaving away at freelance projects in between perving on Zac Quinto.. Happy to do this (writing not perving), as now feel wanted again and that talent has not atrophied due to Melrose confinement.

Break off writing at one point and go see Blue. No more biting behaviour. Just gentle nuzzlings and happy whickers to see me. I AM the Horse Whisperer.

However, on Sunday receive text from Dawn. Bob wants her to sign pre-nup. I tell her she must see a lawyer and also that she must ask for reasonable repatriation costs back to the UK in the event of the marriage breaking down as she is giving up her job to go live with him. Dawn texts she will make an appointment and let me know what happens.

Monday 25th

Get to wondering if I am not the star of my own show after all. Suppose this not even my show? Suppose this is The Matt Show? Or The Jill Show or worse – The Jezz Show and I am unaware of this being a self-absorbed Princess?

Have to write show outline.

Tuesday 26th

Get up feeling out-of-sorts but manage to get to work and power through the morning. By the afternoon am beset by shivering so extreme my teeth are chattering and I sit at my desk wrapped in a shawl and clutching my wheat pillow. I seriously doubt my ability to make it home on public transport and fortunately, I don’t have to as Linda gives me a lift. By the time I arrive home I feel so bad all I can do is crawl into bed where I manage to stay for about 90 mins . . .

48 hours later
Have to call doctor to come to house. Have had no sleep. Cannot stop squits or take more than a sip of liquid at a time. One third of my body weight has disappeared down the toilet. Doctor reassures me this is nothing to do with my other stomach problems but I have contracted a nasty virus. Told have to get fluids in me or have to go to hospital. Also told I cannot return to work until I have spent at least 24 hours symptom-free. There had to be an up-side to this.

Have to text Jill to tell her doctor’s prognosis and also to tell her to cancel my author meeting in London on Monday as even if I make it into work by then I doubt I will be up to making the trip. Her one response is not to ask how I am but to text back ‘Are they ready to sign?’ showing yet again why she had received the Humanitarian of the Year award so many years in a row.

Up all night shedding more body weight.

Friday 29th

The misery continues but take advantage of a break in proceedings to stagger to the village shop for more drinks. So weak the six minute walk takes me fifteen to complete and at one point I have to sit on someone’s garden wall as I am certain I am going to pass out.

Stop by in Blue’s yard as there is an old arm chair in a lean-to outside his stable and I realise I can collapse into it. Blue regards me with what I fondly hope is concern and when I try to leave starts to bang on his stable door in an attempt to follow me. Seeing as I have only ever seen one person there I could probably put a head collar on him and lead him away and it would be hours before anyone noticed.

Cassandra calls later and I have to abruptly stop the conversation for an urgent bathroom visit. When I call her back she offers to come around the following morning with a care package to tempt fragile appetites. Warn Cassandra I am highly infectious but she reasons she can just sling some groceries in the front door and should be fairly safe without needing to don a bio-hazard suit which as we know is fashion disaster anyway. As she has mentioned the word ‘magazines’ I consider it churlish to stop her from risking foul infections and tell her to come over.

Saturday 30th

Jeans have gone Hammer thanks to body weight ending up at Fordham sewage works. Consider that people would pay thousands for these kind of results like the journalist I met who went to the Poo Farm in Thailand where you pay for the privilege of daily enemas to purge you of toxins and excess body weight. Apparently the Poo Farm was sadly destroyed when the tsunami hit (what a loss for humanity!) but for all I know it has risen Phoenix guano-like from the ashes.

Cassandra turns up with care package and not only brings lots of magazines but also pills which she swears with stop the Poo Farm effect dead. By now I am willing to try anything as I have spent yet another sleepless night. I’ve been on the trots for over 96 hours.

A miracle! Take pill and half an hour later feel better. Spend rest of day without needing to rush to the loo and even manage to eat a tin of vegetable soup, a bread roll and some grapes.

Have first decent nights sleep since Monday.

Sunday 31st

A New Dawn

Dawn texts and asks me if her room is still available. This sounds ominous. Her lawyer has told her not to sign pre-nup and wants $20,000 repatriation costs for her in the event of the marriage going pear shaped. Think $20,000 is pretty reasonable but apparently Bob is refusing to compromise and Dawn wants to know if she can move back in.

Then – disaster. In much improved state decide to go take Blue some carrots only to discover his stable is empty and has been cleared out. Can only hope his owner has transferred him to a yard where he will receive more attention but very sad to have lost my equine friend. However, quite proud that my horse whispering techniques made a difference with his biting.

I just wish my techniques worked on the opposite sex.
Have not had a drink in over two weeks. Scary. Plus have only managed to play new PS3 twice and furthermore Matt says I have the wrong cable. This is because I am from a galaxy far, far away (Australia) and my cable unable to connect with Cornish ones.

Contemplate my return to work tomorrow. All good things must come to an end.

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