Uptight & Personal Diary Entry Sunday 7th & Monday 8th

8 03 2010

Sunday 7th

Very relieved to find out that Simon’s little dog Poppy is fine and that the freshly dug grave in the pet’s cemetery belongs to an ancient Labrador owned by one of Simon’s employees. However, much drama ensues afterwards when I head up to see Turpin and discover someone about to ride him (not his owner). I fall into conversation with her and learn that his owner rides him roughly once every three months (as I suspected) and that he is a former racehorse. I am told there should be no problem with taking him out myself and in fact, this would probably be welcomed as she has only been riding him a week and he is still not getting enough exercise. At this point my new acquaintance seeing that Turpin is nuzzling me for mints and having saddled him, slips off his halter in preparation for putting on his bridle. Like quicksilver Turpin bolts from the barn and then leads us a merry dance as he gallops and bucks his way around the paddock. At one point we split up and I call him to me while the would-be rider sneaks up behind him. He’s just about to let me grab him when he spots the other woman at his rear and tears off past me.

It ends up with the poor woman having to go get her husband and the three of us eventually herding him into a corner of the paddock at which point he gracefully capitulates and allows himself to be bridled. I am told despite all this he is a lamb once you are mounted on him and the bad behaviour is confined solely to the catching process.

For those of you who have followed Turf’s Up! you know that the bay racehorse was named Turpin and this is why this horse earned this particular moniker. Rowie and I envisaged Daniel Craig voicing the horse if the film got made and it makes discovering Turpin’s ‘real’ name – i.e. his racehorse name, all the more satisfying as it turns out to be Bond 007. Unlike Bond however, this is yet another male who doesn’t want to be ridden.

Monday 8th

A friend of mine, Louie Psihoyos has won an Academy Award for The Cove. This is good news and perhaps incentive to do something about my own docco.

Continuing the horse theme I have received a submission at Melrose entitled ‘The Horse – a Magical Tour’. In a misplaced bout of optimism I even look forward to the Reader’s Report on this. In the words of my predecessor Austin, ‘I will use extracts from the Reader’s Report that I have had prepared to illustrate my findings:’

‘Before getting down to details, there is something I ought to clarify. If all you’ve read of it is the introductory pages (which I believe are a sort of preface rather than a synopsis and are meant to be part of the manuscript), you may have received a wholly wrong impression. Perhaps in an attempt to make his manuscript seem sensational, the author has focused on two areas – human sexual relations with horses and violent abuse of them.’

Another triumph for Melrose. First it’s bum-fucking lawyers, next it’s bestiality.

As if this isn’t bad enough I once again have to report to Nick with my sign-ups like some educationally sub-normal school student who keeps on flunking their grades. Fortunately there have been two since our last meeting but am of course told I must phone up the old ladies and be much more persuasive in getting them to part with their pensions as of tomorrow. Am not comfortable with any of this. Decide to conduct experiment. Plan on making a couple of calls and then telling the Powers that Be that not only have I never done a sales job, my job title says nothing about sales and I am not about to start doing one now. This is purely to see what they might do.

Watch this space.

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