Uptight & Personal Diary Entry 7th December – One Day My Prince Will Come

7 12 2010

People keep asking why I’m still single. Here’s an example. Last Friday I was out in B in Cambridge with my friend Andriani. It’s pretty packed. I go to the bar to get us some drinks and standing there is a guy whining to his friend about how he befriended a girl on Facebook, they seemed to have a ‘connection’ but then right before they were due to meet she dumps him. As he said this he reaches into his pocket and out falls – a can of Spam. I could not resist asking if he always carried a can of Spam around with him to which Spam Man replies: ‘What’s wrong with that?’ Wonder if he told his FB pal about it which might explain why he got defriended.

Upstairs where we’re sitting are a bunch of about 10 guys drinking Veuve Clicquot. However, this is no reason to get excited. One of them comes in carrying his folding bike. I’m all for keep one’s carbon footprint down but does one a) have to be an utter plonker and ride a folding bike and b) bring it into the bar with one? Another member of the party is morbidly obese. He’s wearing a sweatshirt with nothing underneath that is several sizes too small. There is a six inch gap of hairy, fat gut protruding between the sweatshirt and his pants. It’s like looking at Jabba the Hutt holding a champagne flute.

Wonder why I’m still single? Three reasons right there.

Oh, that and the fact that I’m picky. Forgot to mention that one.

Some day my prince will come, gut perched on the handlebars of his folding bike, can of Spam in hand. I should be so lucky.

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