Uptight and Personal Diary Entry 22 January 2011 – Hive Edition

22 01 2011

Up until now I had associated hives with The Borg and that whole hive mind thing. And of course, Borg implants do cause skin irritation. This may explain why my chest this morning once again looks like a Big Day Out for dermatologists.  If only it was as simple as dealing with The Borg as of course I do know someone with a lot of experience of kicking their implanted backsides.

Talking of implants for the backside – has anybody else seen these fake buttock pants? I am talking about pants that contain – wait for it – false buttocks for the decidedly backsidedly challenged. Most of us of course spend the majority of our lives trying to REDUCE the size of our backsides – especially those of us who are female and born under the sign of Sagittarius. However, it appears there are women out there who are born without an arse and if this is the case then there are now these anti-spanx pants which make your bum look like you just borrowed it from J-Lo. Or if you want your own pants like Bridget Jones (another women who is desperately trying to REDUCE the size of her backside), you can buy these ‘bum bubbles’ – silicone pads that give you lumps. Why those of us with big cabooses can’t just be arse donors I don’t know. What is wrong with these medical researchers? They spend all their time and money trying to cure cancer and AIDS when they should be pioneering the arse transplant. Where are their priorities? I arse you.

Hives mean I can’t go be demo girl as I am scratching and look like I’ve escaped from a leper colony.

As well as hives, general levels of stress mean I am having trouble eating and as a result, my buttocks are indeed engaged in a reduction process although I have to say it would take months of this to result in my having to resort to the bum bubble panties. Will have to content myself with a liquid diet instead. Something beginning with ‘G’ . . .

Lottery win this morning was not enough to mitigate the hive situation owing to it being £7.10 instead of the £700,000 or indeed £7,000,000 one had hoped for.  Seven figures buys one if not exactly peace of mind, then certainly one’s own personal dematologist on 24 hour call.

When one leaves a work, college or neighbourhood situation where one has made friends it’s always the time when one discovers whether or not the friendship was based on proximity of if it is underpinned by something stronger and more lasting. I think we’ve all been in the situation where this has happened. You move or your good friend next door moves and over the months the friendship fades away. Same with leaving college or changing jobs. Often we discover there’s no longer the rapport with a group of people or  individuals when our common ground no longer exists. Sometimes we are the ones who keep up the contact only to have the other party cease to respond. Sometimes its the other way around and sometimes, more suprisingly, we keep in contact and develop friendships with people with whom we were not particularly close.

Then of course, there are the social connections which are really no more than an extended entourage and based on nothing more than one party being in a position of power or influence. The basis of which is quickly revealed should the person be toppled from their position. I was at a party at a friend’s house in Sydney during the late 90’s and got talking to a guy Rob who used to be a producer at Channel 10. He had a six figure salary, a great deal of influence and as one can imagine, a dance card that was always full of lunches, dinner engagements, freebies and people who wanted to be his ‘friend’.  He discovered just how many people were atually his friends when Channel 10 retrenched him. He didn’t think it would take him long to find another role seeing as he had so many contacts, but as the weeks and the months passed more and more people whom he had thought of as friends no longer returned his calls or replied to his emails. During his two year protracted period of unemployment, he discovered just how many of his former co-workers and contacts were actually friends, and just who had been hanging around just because of his job title. Needless to say the former amounted to those he could count on the fingers of one hand.

And here’s the thing with life. It’s a cycle. You’re unemployed and have had to sell your home one minute. Next minute – you’ve been hired by Walt Disney on a high six-figure salary. Not only that – you’re no longer flying commercial. You’ve got access to the Disney corporate jet which was exactly the position Rob was in when he told me this story. Needless to say, when word got out on the street all those people who hadn’t returned Rob’s calls for two years were fulsome in their congratulations. Except this time it was their calls that weren’t being returned.

Friendships that grow from proximity can continue to grow and often do when one or both parties move on.  However, often one has to be prepared for attrition and this may be more marked in a professional situation where somebody leaves due to retrenchment or through a disagreement with their employer. But before burning bridges think carefully. That person who appears consigned to the basement can be back in the penthouse again before you know it. But really, friendships should not be based on position or what the person can do for them. Perhaps we need to be more mindful of the distinction between friendship, business associate and acquaintence like we used to. It may save a lot of hurt feelings in the long run if we start to apply those somewhat old fashioned but necessary terms again.

I’ve been largely lucky in my life. I’m still friends with many people I went to college with despite in many cases fate scattering many of us across the globe. I’ve usually taken friendships with me from workplaces when I moved on and often ended up working with these people again down the track. However, at my last place of work someone I considered my best friend once told me we were only close because we worked together and when I left I found out they were right. It’s sad but one has to remember – nature abhors a vacuum. If there’s attrition, it’s because the space needs to be cleared to make room for something better. Or maybe this was just the friend equivalent of a ‘bum bubble’. Designed to pump up appearances and be disposed of when  no longer needed.






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